Its nearly been 2 weeks since Ive heard from him. I'm sorry to say so, but its all such waffle to me. Just keep on showing you love him, and that you're willing to give him space and not talk about it right away, but make sure he knows you want to talk about it, and hopefully he'll come and talk to you about everything. Im confused. I said I'd like to check in and see how she is feeling and tell her how I feel. He ghosted me out of the blue after one fight / tantrum he created, and stopped answering my messages, and never even broke up with me. In fact, I think the signs were all there and his folks just never paid attention to them. The relationship felt like magic. Im worried hes using this time to move on but wants to know Im still there to make it easier on him. You given me a starting place to help make some decisions. I wrote him once one year ago but he never answered so i just let him be better off without me. As it was the first time happening in my life it left me shook then angry so I broke up with him a couple of days later. I didnt realize he was AS at the time, I overlooked a lot of his behaviors and just thought he was different, but after seeing this drastic shift in personality, mixed with all the other quirks and traits, I knew 100% he had it. the whole relationship is completely strained, sex was good but robotic like a routine pattern.a cuddle not a warm embrace. hes checked into a hotel and has told me its for peacof mind and to think of only him self for a change. You could relate, and the past injustices against your new love caused you such . Being that she is a coworker I can't reach out. Aspie-neurotypical relationships often start out with intense passion, then fizzle and devolve into disaster. I hold people rather strictly to agreements that they make. They can still learn to be better people, just like everyone else. Run! Will he be better with her? He would stay up late and I woke up to bring him to bed and as soon as I started cuddling with him he breaks it off to me " I don't thinks this is working any more" I thought he was joking! I know that a lot of us, including me, struggle with social interactions, like understanding others because of the innuendoes and the unspoken for example, but also being understood by others and to behave in a way . He cant just put his wife away on hold while gaming takes priority all the time! I am happy to consult with you on what to look for in an evaluator, though. Feeling bad, I googled the problem and came upon this article. How likely is this to skip generations??? Ive long felt simultaneously guilty (because I know that my emotional lack of control/abusive language to him trigger these periods, but honestly, it is like .0001 of myself, it is the perimenopausal hormonal fed-up exhausted SAHM. There have been a few things like him still being on dating sites and sexual messages with an ex-work colleague but we have talked through and I have forgiven him. No one else had realized how amazing this one person was. 28 plus years of marriage and I will never have a spouse who will make me the priority unless he needs something from me.. Part of me understand what is going on in his mind and wants to support while the other just knows it is not my responsibility to heal wounds rooted in his childhood and I need to preserve myself. You are generous to give so much time. All you poor broken people herei shed tears for you all I dont know what to do. She was such sweet kind loving girl before this happened. When hes out he falls back into as I call it living in his own world. He demanded me to leave his room, I did nt, he leant over me and screamed in my face to get out. I have been on this journey of trying to find understanding, since early 2015. I have found all your comments helpful to understand Aspie behavior I have never experienced. Its a cycle I hate. In my experience, its not about what they have, its about what they need to be able to become a better person to have an understanding that they cannot be abusive to others. I too am dating an Aspie. Im getting the silent treatment today. I deal constantly with snide behaviour and short remarks. Trauma Bond is very real. I can't thank all of you enough that have posted here. Got upset if I said he was good at anything. You found that truth-telling vulnerability, worldly wisdom, and zealous wonder refreshing. Run! He was mad that I contacted his friend ( I did it cuz I wanted advice how to handle this. he told me he was ready for a serious relationship, I would spend the night over on his days off and he was very attentive to me and just a sweetheart, although he wasn't too affectionate I still liked him that way, I just thought that was the way he was.He did mention one of his brothers was autistic but i didn't mind that at all. The incident happened 2.5 years ago and now Im alone home with 2 autistic kids getting the silent treatment bc Im trying to explain to him financially the kids and I come first before I start sending legal documents to my mother. Yesterday I hurt my husbands feeling when I asked him to stop speaking while I was driving. She has blocked me from every conceivable method of contact and is fully supported in this effort by my ex husband, Howard (also autistic). By the time I was in junior high, it was easier to keep my distance from people than to explain why I couldn't have them over. He has a therapist I pushed him to get, due to a personal addiction that was ruining our/his personal life that he was obsessed with. No reply He also has a male church group I found for him, and he likes it, but its more a bunch of guys eating the snack of the day and BS ing instead of The Word. Stroking their Ego. Hi Crystal I think I make it worse by constantly trying to get him to talk. I understand everything about this, We were talking things out better. You need to be there for you and your child. I suspect it will go on longer. We do not live together. They were excited to spend time with me, open and healthy. Never all this type of abuse. Maybe you can not see through healthy eyes because you have issues from your own past. Run. As tough as it is for you, it is long overdue for you to detach and look out for yourself and your son. Since then I have been trying to talk to him again and again. Have you been able to write part II yet? He left me alone every evening instead of having spending time with me. The very dramatic emotions are just the comfort of expressing emotions along with ideas, whereas Aspies tend to keep these things separate as if they are unrelated. He does not miss you in the way you do him. He got upset that i had a credit card he didnt know aboutim a 36 year old woman! Those are questions I am wondering as well. I tried for 6 yearshe even tried to commit suicide and sent me a text saying forgive me. Everyone was shocked. I am now a crumpled thrown away mess Same happened to me. Empathy is the critical piece here. This is what destroyed our relationship as i could not cope with it, there is no worse feeling that being ignored for weeks and weeks followed by threats of its over. Hes not a malicious or mean or cruel person. Actually even a tentative diagnosis might be a good first step for us because although I brought up this issue to him months ago, he keeps being in denial. And I mean down for days. But it does put the pressure on me to do something about it. Hi Rachel. Not that I am aware of. I am assuming u have married. Well we have kids (not planned) and both have autism. Know you are not alone and others have been through this horribly emotional roller coaster ride with you. My personality, which is heavily affected by my condition, is always nice, overly logical (sometimes can't read emotions) and helpful but I can't get into arguments (either go silent or get heavily triggered). Where before you could do no wrong, now you began to feel that you could do no right. They feel obliterated by your strength, so in turn try to obliterate you. As for discard that has happend about 10 years now. Its been almost a year n half since he spoke to any of us in the family. When I approached him to discuss the divorce I had planned, he thought we were getting along better. I drop off with contact and suddenly he turns up. I guess I have been "on trial" all these months and didn't know it. I have noticed a pattern of withdrawal in friendships. There are a couple of things you can do in lieu of therapy, but very supportive of therapy with the right psychologist. 15 years inshell of myself, goals unmet, dreams deferred, hopes dashed, weight gain, depression, addictions!! So is mine. Fortunately he doesn't talk about it all the time, if that was the case I would probably have started to get tired and want time alone. We feel helpless about this. He said we would when he got out of this rut hes in. I so understand Dotty.. Today I walked out and came back to my parents house because I feel punished and abused. The last fight, he ignored me for 3 days and he went back, he said he wont do things like we did before anymore, then he start to "stay cold" to me, spend less time than before, not even a video call or share thing together, i'm trying to get him back, gently with him, encourage him but i'm not sure if it work :(. I need advice please. When I have spent my life helping others in NeuroDivergent relationships resolve the stress and misunderstandings and chaos? Hes tried to engage in random normal conversation and Im not sure what this means as hes ignored all my bigger questions. By not saying goodbye and other not nice things. You can call and aspies like its a cute name or something, but these people are monsters. Weve been on a roller coaster ride since our eldest was born. Any updates? Then do not mask in the beginning. That would quickly go away when we were not together in person. I have known him for two years and in the relationship a year. My anxiety is in overdrive and Im scared to keep bombarding him when I know this might push him away but I also need answers and some form of communication. Why do you always ask how I feel? Wow. He would talk about general stuff (like how is he doing), but never about relationship where I wanted to talk about how we can work things out. So my now ex, went into a burnout. She was defensive. Im too old to go but so dont want to stay!! 5. Totally selfish behavior that only revolves around his needs. Dear Renee. Its been almost a week since he shut down, and four days since he replied to my texts. We dated off and on for 5 years and yup he left me. Also taking walks together. Communication is complicated by the fact that Aspies have trouble mentally putting themselves in another's place, a trait known as "mind-blindness". Aspies don't make eye contact. I sometimes see him in social situations (have friends in common) and it seems as I hes doing great, being much more social and not in the depressed and angry state that he lived while being with me. It is always US that has to compromise As far as Today With Hoda and Jenna, cohost Jenna Bush Hager was joined by Sheinelle Jones and Willie Geist. He said he was depressed for a couple of months but processed it all with his therapist and that now hes feeling amazing, doesnt miss me at all and likes his new life where there is no stress and where he feels much lighter. I have PTSD from childhood abuse and they severely triggered me in so many ways. Hope you'll feel better soon! The relationship will fail if you think that "dropping hints" or describing your needs in vague terms is enough to get your point across. If people truly understood what we live with, they wouldnt offer platitudes. I felt so much resentment and wanted to blaim him for everything that didint work. Please can someone help Id really appreciate any advice with no judgement as I feel incredibly isolated. They triggered my ptsd and I started interrupting them telling them I didnt want to be screamed at, yes I stopped listening because they started screaming, went on defense and never responded to or respected my boundary. Im finding doing the right thing or predicting an outcome difficult and also having faith in someone so distant. I hope that there is a future where we can communicate again because it felt like it went so well and she really seemed to enjoy me. At home, they werent trying as hard anymore. I just wish we were still together. When we started the relationship, I mentioned to him and his folks that some things arent right but I was told to embrace their family quirks rather than trying to change them. Having read the many tales of relationship trauma and despair related in this blog I decided after some consideration to put an experience I wish I'd never had out there. Oh well his loss! To be a carer for a person that will NEVER love you tge way you hope and dream. If mine didnt take sertraline, our marrserotonin, definitively be over or I would be dead. An aspie who grew up with loud abusive parents has a reasonable chance of becoming loud and abusive themselves because in some cases, that's all they know. You are here: the ranch radio station charlie o in the morning; lovers' lane murders solved; why do aspies suddenly back off in relationshipshow much to pay rabbi for baby naming. They are not interested in you or your small talk or anything. Ive been with my husband 21 years, married 3. But he has to give us a chance, and I dont know how long he will stay away. I am struggling to the point of losing my mind and my health and my aspie husband is of no help. We would come back home and he was wasted ordering excessive junk food and eating it all while watching TV (i watched in disgust), not even noticing if I existed and constantly falling asleep on the couch. My bf was wonderful in the beginning. I wish I would have yielded to the red flags and told him, NO! Your partner had seen the worst of you and loved it deeply, but suddenly this tiny detail was catastrophic. What should I do? He won't answer texts or e-mails or phone calls. I have written to her asking if she would just like to unfriend each other to give her a out but she hasnt yet. Hello Bob. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. You were energized and felt healed by this love. Be prepared to die inside. This really hurts. You are walking a tightrope. Your needs will not get met and the lack of emotional connection made me both physically and emotionally sick. Janes comment is just proving everyones experiences and hurt is valid. He doesnt message or call. I had been putting up with so much crap all day, and he said a few choice words, and I just lost control of my temper and let him have it, calling him miserable, a dark cloud, his whole family miserable (true; his dad is a delusional narcissist), noting how he couldnt deal with our ASD kiddo & fomented his meltdowns. When any of my friends are going away, I'll shoot them a text to tell them to have fun. Ashley. It is not too late. For the purpose of this article, I have used the word aspie instead of autistic; however, the two terms should be considered interchangeable in this article. Of course blowing up is no solution, but it is a symptom . I was able to withdraw from the relationship without guilt or regret because it was the only way to stop me from hurting her. I was hurt that this woman I like is now talking about random guys with me. Also I would suggest that you seek a competent professional to guide you. Its like this is what I hoped for but now what do you do? The problem is that he has been allowing another woman to pursue him. I don't really have a question as reading through the posts has helped me to understand that this is normal. We are in a long distance relationship for 1,5 years. Its pure madness trying to love an ASD person while trying to ignore your own biological and psychological needs. My husband its his way and the wrong way . But the negatives far outweighed the positives. If I try to talk to him he walks out of the room. Here I was left with 2 babies. This book discusses the science behind Aspie behavior and how you can initiate the rules of engagement that help your Aspie give you the emotional support that you need. When I asked if hed like to meet and talk, he said he had nothing to say, and does not want to. Ive been married for 35 years, and cant take it anymore. You had a purpose, and the purpose was to prove your love and devotion. He was wonderful in the beginning, weird and adoreable. Unfortunately, I do have to acknowledge that there are some people out there who take advantage of others. Its as if they just dont get that other people matter. They suggested that sociopaths were so common that most workplaces (small business) had at least one or two. My spouse was like your bf in the beginning. Im a pretty introvert like geometry dash, its not possible for me to go out and make a lot of relationships but I really want to move on. But the conversation may be aborted yet again by a meltdown. Then unblocked me and told me that how much of a big mistake it was on my part to call his number few times in a row. We broke up over something so stupid. 4. She said no, and later that day asked me why I asked. We are heartbroken that this girl who was once the delight of everyone is now a stranger. Importantly, I discovered this blog post recently that may help you: "Life with Asperger's" blog post about why people with Asperger's suddenly back off in relationships and go silent. She was the first and only person to love me for me and being with her was the best few months of my life. I'm sorry you had this experience with your boyfriend. Any proposed disruption is met with no, I dont want to. I was shocked. She then invited me to a party outside of work. I texted him last night and said asked you to call . Blowing up is very normal when you are in an intolerable situation. It was very difficult to realize it, even if I learned about it, he seemed to understand when I tried to explain something emotional or social, but I have also learned that people with a mental retardation are generally very good at hiding it. I cant even begin to express how hard its been. next month will be 5 long years married.. 2 weeks ago we were putting offers in to buy a home.. 3 days later after we didnt get the home ,I woke up and he handed me divorce papers. Yes, many of our Aspies have severe anxiety, and some cross wiring that makes it difficult for them to feel and talk at the same time. I pointed out that we hadnt talked in three months and he agreed that was the case. He asked me a month before, how are you feeling about me and my behavior. For the purpose of this article, I have used the word "aspie" instead of "autistic;" however, the two terms should be considered interchangeable in this article. I resent him bc of the kids. I was no longer of any use because i dared to ask for support with menopause. I was surprised but at the same time was nervous that I could lose her as a friend by revealing my feelings. In what ways could you relate? Unless you live in Utopia or Disneyland, he will not maintain or learn. My husband also has many of these traits. The grand romantic gestures faded into small rituals. I did ask him if he had Aspergers and thats when all the blocking happened. They started screaming at me at the drive through window taco place. Am alarmed to think it could continue for years, admire you coping as long as you have. No they do not change.they MASK in the beginning. If all aspies were completely alike and predictible, they'd be a stereotype but they're not. The last 2 years have been push/pull. He said there is no one else. He stood up and left the room and asked me to leave the house. I guess that is what this is???? I saw the red flags throughout the relationship but always found an excuse as to why he would be constantly stressed, angry, disconnected or depressed. 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